Wrong turns long nights lost and forgotten hopes. Left empty with no more questions just nothingness.
Alone. Forgotten.
Turning in quick violent circles trying so hard to grasp past mistakes and hold on. Hold on. Slipping grip still turning, turning, and turning. Stop and the world spins leaving me crushed beneath it. Wanting to scream from the very depths of myself but unable. I am empty.
Alone. Forgotten
Monday, October 1, 2007
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Empty
Today I feel empty. Its hard to describe such a powerful feeling of disappointment. Its as if I woke up to a deserted world, left behind without explanation or reason. Shedding what seemed listless nights of detached conversation left me to face with unavoidable emotions that were seemingly hidden. Late in discovery I find myself alone to pick up the pieces of my last disaster. Always the easy fix, the disarming facade of humor and passion, and somehow I am always the last to know. For once I would like to know the feeling of a happy ending, of someone who knows my thoughts with just a glance into my eyes.
Until then...I slowly become more jaded and rely heavily on pop rocks and gummy bears.
Until then...I slowly become more jaded and rely heavily on pop rocks and gummy bears.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Math
Can everything be divided into the least common denominator? If so then why is it still necessary to search for answers to questions that we should be able to calculate ourselves...why did it end? Why now? What went wrong? Why always me?
Every time I turn around and I found myself in the same place. A pretty girl, who always finds relationships just out of touch, something is always slightly out of sync and optimisms are held just so slightly out of reach. Continuing with the least common denomimator theory, the bottom line still remains me. I am always at the end of the trail standing as if I was duped and full heartily didn't see it coming. Just as I am ready to go again, open up one more time I turn around and I find myself right back completely turned around empty handed surprised one mroe time. My greatest fear is not ending up alone, its spinning around one last time with no optimism and no hope to go around again.
I want so badly to spin around and have someone ready to spin with me. Its not that a love will stop your spinning confusing life but when you find yourself so dizzy afraid to be left behind, to be able to turn and look next to you at someone that will fall with you.
I found myself yet again blindsided and overwhelmed by that sinking sensation in my stomach. This time was different, it was worse, the pain comes from fully offering myself to someone and them taking what they want while leaving behind the rest of me. Its so exhausting yet exhilarating to strip yourself down and leave yourself defenseless without any form of armor or pessimism because this time O this time is real. I am impressed with my ability to continuously take blow after blow and continue spinnign with an open heart and open mind. Though some would dubb this blind romanticism, its what I believe to be teh driving force of life. Whats life without confusion, laughter, and tears.
Every time I turn around and I found myself in the same place. A pretty girl, who always finds relationships just out of touch, something is always slightly out of sync and optimisms are held just so slightly out of reach. Continuing with the least common denomimator theory, the bottom line still remains me. I am always at the end of the trail standing as if I was duped and full heartily didn't see it coming. Just as I am ready to go again, open up one more time I turn around and I find myself right back completely turned around empty handed surprised one mroe time. My greatest fear is not ending up alone, its spinning around one last time with no optimism and no hope to go around again.
I want so badly to spin around and have someone ready to spin with me. Its not that a love will stop your spinning confusing life but when you find yourself so dizzy afraid to be left behind, to be able to turn and look next to you at someone that will fall with you.
I found myself yet again blindsided and overwhelmed by that sinking sensation in my stomach. This time was different, it was worse, the pain comes from fully offering myself to someone and them taking what they want while leaving behind the rest of me. Its so exhausting yet exhilarating to strip yourself down and leave yourself defenseless without any form of armor or pessimism because this time O this time is real. I am impressed with my ability to continuously take blow after blow and continue spinnign with an open heart and open mind. Though some would dubb this blind romanticism, its what I believe to be teh driving force of life. Whats life without confusion, laughter, and tears.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Saturday September 8th
With an another year comes new expectations. Blindly hoping for, finally some answers to questions that have yet to be unraveled. Coming into senior year with raised expectations in accordiance to the behaivor of others briefly clouded the air producing a euphieral haze that left both friends and strangers blurred into one. With late nights, new friends, and broken hearts it is hard to plant both feet firmly on the ground. We live our lives each day with so much passion and craving for every last drop of life that sometimes it is easy to slip, confusing love with comfort, laughter with hurt, and friendship with jealously.
One of my close friends is currently emmersed in a love full of smoke and mirrors. Months of dettachment and forced casualness has left both in a comfortable limbo where they are safe from eachother. One does not owe the other anything and they both don't gamble with their emotions. What does it take to offer yourself, your complete person to someone? Is it complete trust in the other person or is the answer found within self reflection? Is it a strength that only a few lucky people possess. A strength that allows oneself to offer his entity, one's entire being, to another with the understanding that with this vulnerbility comes with a self sacrifice.
One of my close friends is currently emmersed in a love full of smoke and mirrors. Months of dettachment and forced casualness has left both in a comfortable limbo where they are safe from eachother. One does not owe the other anything and they both don't gamble with their emotions. What does it take to offer yourself, your complete person to someone? Is it complete trust in the other person or is the answer found within self reflection? Is it a strength that only a few lucky people possess. A strength that allows oneself to offer his entity, one's entire being, to another with the understanding that with this vulnerbility comes with a self sacrifice.
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